Lord Mouldemort and co
by RandomPonyWriter
Summary: A series of ongoing parody's of various parts of the Harry Potter books. Please read and review : D
1. Meet Lord Mouldemort

**Hey, so my second fanfic, and its not a serious one! Haha, I just decided to completely ruin the point of the first chapter in deathly hallows, just because I felt like it.**

**I love the Harry Potter books, so this parody of sorts is not meant to insult JKR.**

**Those who say they love my other fic Tonks/Lupin, pay no attention to the apparent decrease in writing skills in this story : P**

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**

The Dark Snore Ascending

They came out of nowhere - one was taller than the other, and they stood a few yards apart in the sunny moonlit lane.

"Stand and fight you mangy beast!" one of them yelled, but straightened almost immediately. "Oh, Its you."

"News?" asked the taller of the two.

"The best." replied Snivilly Snap, renowned potion-maker, and suspected shampoo thief.

The lane was bordered on the left by wild, low growing thorn bushes that seemed strangely reminiscent of the hair of Bellatrix the Strange. It was bordered on its other left by a high, and neatly manicured hedge that seemed strangely not reminiscent of the dear Bell-hoppers hair - but more like a hedge that was neatly manicured.

The men's long pink cloaks flapped around their ankles as they marched, attempting to trip them over.

"Thought I might be late." said Yakkley, his blunt features sliding in and out of sight as he attempted to play peek-a-boo while being attacked in the face by a branch. "It was a little trickier than I expected - escaping from that pink and purple hippogriff, but I hope he will be satisfied. You sound confident that your reception will be good?"

Snap nodded, but did not elaborate as he was being attacked by his cloak with every stride. They turned right, or was it left? (that's what they get for going to Hogwarts instead of a muggle school) In any case, they turned into a driveway that leg into the mulberry trees. The high hedge followed them and then ran off into the distance carrying along an innocent country wizaard who had been in its way.

"HELP MMMMEEEEEE!" he shouted, but Snap and Yakkley were too busy looking at the gates that were in their way. They walked straight at it, hoping that it might be like the barrier to platform 9 and ¾. They raised their right - no it was their left - arms in a salute but the gate didn't give.

CRASH!

Poor Snap and Yakkley were thrown backwards, rubbing their heads as they tried to stand up. 'Wait a moment!" shouted Yakkley. "I have a key!" He rummaged through his pink robes in search of the key. Before he managed to find it he pulled out many others. There was a key with wings, a key for every colour of the rainbow, a small talking key which kept shouting "YIPPEE **KEY** YI YAY!" over and over, a set of hot pink keys on a small key ring which featured the face of Hannah Montana….

As the keys started blaring the lyrics to 'Ordinary girl' Snap blushed bright red and snatched the keys up from Yakkley. "Those are the keys to my shampoo store." he snarled at the other wizard.

Finally Yakkley pulled out a huge purple key. "Here we go!" he shouted gleefully. "Yippeeeeeee! " They walked towards the gate carefully this time and looked for the lock, before realizing there was no lock, and that they could just walk straight in.

The sound of Snap hitting Yakkley over the head with a baboon muffled the sound of the men's footsteps. There was a rustle somewhere to their le…. Right and Yakkley drew his wand and threw it at the hedge, where they saw a hillbilly sitting and playing guitar singing Taylor swift. Both men shrugged and kept walking, leaving Yakkley's wand for the hillbilly's Christmas lunch.

As they walked a handsome pumpkin house grew out of a potato patch. Snap and Yakkley walked up to the house, past a man pretending to be a fountain. The gravel attacked their bare feet as they walked because neither could afford to buy boots for two dollars fifty.

Snap and Yakkley ran towards the door, which opened inwards as they did. A house elf wearing a pink potato sack stood behind the door with its hands over its eyes. "Please sir, I is meant to make it look like the door opened by itself, so if I can't see you, then you cant see me." Snap and Yakkley shrugged again, and as if to prove a point, walked straight over the top of the house elf, because it 'wasn't there'.

The hallway was large: but only if you were two centimeters tall. Snap and Yakkley had to bend right down and crawl through the hallway. It was decorated with bits of old rubbish and things - and was quite luxurious actually, especially when you consider that Snap lives in a cardboard box and Yakkley lives in the zoo. Someone had drawn stick figures on the wall and framed them, because they couldn't afford real portraits. The two men stopped when they reached a tiny door and then Snap turned the orange handle, which was orange because they couldn't afford to make it bronze.

The large room that they ended up in was filled with silent people who were all yelling quite loudly at each other. The furniture was all stuck to the roof, but it gave the room character. There was a big fireplace underneath a huge mirror. They looked above the table where a figure was dangling, apparently unconscious.

'SNAP! SNAPPPP!" the figure yelled and Snap recognized the Buggle Studies teacher from Hogwash school of Wizardcraft and Witchery. "I'm meant to be unconscious! So Shhhh, Don't tell anyone I'm talking to you!"

"Yakkley, Snap." said a strange voice from the head of the table. "You are very almost nearly almost nearly very almost late."

The speaker was seated directly in front of the fireplace and he was damn ugly if Snap and Yakkley said so, which indeed they wasted no time in doing particularly loudly. As they drew nearer, his face shone through the darkness and they two jumped back in horror. "ME EYEYESSSS!" Yakkley yelled.

"MEEE LEEGGGGG!" Yelled Snap.

He had no hair and he looked like a bloody snake gone bloody wrong. It had no nose, just a couple of holes in its ugly face. Its eyes were a startling hot pink and had vertical pupils. He was so pale that he was almost black.

His name was Lord Mouldemort…

**So its really stupid, really crazy… Just felt like putting it out there : P This is what happens when I am in a weird mooood : D**

**Pleeeeaaaaaaaaassssseeee reiview, even if it's just to tell me that I am bloody insane.**


	2. Larry, Don and Herowninny

**So this is the part in Deathly Hallows where Ron leaves Harry and Hermione. Its more strange than funny, because I wasn't in a funny mood when I wrote it, but just thought I'd write something and wasn't in the mood to write seriously. **

**Ahhh, well. Review if you read please : ) **

"Don? Don?" Larry Trotter yelled excitedly. He looked around and located Don staring at the Crumple-Horned Snorkack that was sitting at the end of his bunk bed.

Don looked towards Larry. "Oh, remembered me, have you?" he said angrily "And my names not Don."

Larry looked confused. "What? Of course it is." What was this Hogwash Don was coming up with now?

"Its Ron." he said angrily. "As in 'save it for 'Ron' Ya know, the muggle expression that they say when they can't be bothered to say 'later on'" he snorted as he decided he'd done a Loony Lovegood and imagined the Snorkack. "You two carry on. Don't let me spoil your fun."

Larry looked towards Hermowninny begging for her help. He dropped to his knees in a begging fashion but she shrugged her shoulders so he scowled and stood up again. "You couldn't afford a fancy name like that - not if its got a saying to go with it and all." Don shrugged. "What's the problem?" asked Larry.

"Problem? There's no problem," Said Don, "Apart from the fact I'm having a 'seventeen-years-into-my-life crisis', the fact no-one can remember my real name, and the fact that a dementor stole my last two dollars. Well, there isn't according to you, anyway."

There was a sound on the top of their tent that sounded like rain, but was quite obviously a squirrel throwing rocks at their tent.

"Well, you've obviously got a problem." Larry said, "I mean, no-one's face is that ugly just on its own. So spit it out, will you?"

Don swung himself off the bed, tripping over one of his legs. He looked mean, unlike himself.

"All right, I'll spit it out. I've just seen a Crumple-Horned Snorkack so I've obviously gone loony, don't expect me to skip up and down the tent just because there's one more damn thing we have to find. Just add where we are going to find me a psychologist to the list of things you don't know."

"I don't know?" Larry was outraged. "_I_ don't know?"

_Plunk, plunk, plunk_. Damn that squirrel was still throwing rocks and he was starting to cackle like a maniac squirrel. Larry popped his head out the door to yell at the obviously deranged squirrel, but found that it actually was raining. Dread filled Larry as he realised that Don was right - he was truly going insane, they all were.

"It's not like I'm having the time of my life here." said Don, "As fun as it sounds having my arm mangled by a nargle, and having nothing to eat but that old piece of tree bark there" (he was pointing the large piece of tree bark that they all took turns nibbling on when they got hungry.) "And freezing my baboon off in this heat every night. I just hoped, you know, after we'd been crawling around for a few weeks, we'd have killed Mouldemort by now."

"Don," Hermowninny said, but in such a loud voice that Don pretended not to have heard it over the squirrel/rain that was beating on the tent.

"I thought you knew what you'd signed up for." said Larry.

"Yeah, I thought I did too."

"So what part of it isn't living up to your expectations?" asked Larry. "The tent's like a mansion, its got a whole bedroom and a toilet. We keep finding fake Horcruxes that lead us nowhere whatsoever, and we have that delicious bark for Christmas lunch."

"We thought you knew what you were doing!" Don shouted. He stood up and did a handstand so that he was standing on his head. "We thought Dumbledoris had told you what to do when your best friend starts seeing Crumple-Horned Snorkacks on his bed! We thought you were going to bring us a psychologist!"

"Don!" This time Hermowninny spoke quietly so that she was sure to be heard. Don still ignored her.

"Well sorry to let you down." Larry said, "I've been quite curly with you from the start. I told you everything Dumbledoris told me, and in case you haven't noticed, I've been teaching myself Psychology from this book!" He held up a copy of 'Psychology for Dummies.'

"Yeah, but you're about as close to becoming a psychologist as we are to finding enough mould spray to clean Mouldemort's robes, or shampoo to clean Snape's hair, or… well, you get it! Its about as impossible as finding a needle in a haystack when no-one put the needle in there in the first place!"

"Take off the locket Don." said Hermowninny, referring to the bright pink, furry, heart-shaped locket Don wore around his neck. "Please take it off. You wouldn't be talking like this if it wasn't making you strange."

"Yeah he would." said Larry, who had learned from his psychology book that pink, furry, heart-shaped lockets were always good for the soul, "D'you think I haven't noticed the two of you whispering together about how I am going insane. Honestly, can't a man wear pink robes these days? D'you think I didn't guess that you were thinking that I was gay?"

"Larry, we weren't-" Hermowninny started.

"Well I'm not!" Larry yelled.

"Don't lie!" Don said to Hermowninny. "You thought it too. You said that you wished he'd at least wear red. You said you thought he would bring a proper psychologist too.

"I didn't say it like that - Larry I didn't!" she cried.

The squirrel/rain was still attacking the tent and Hermowninny had started crying. All hope seemed lost. They were just three lonely teenagers in a tent whose only achievement so far was sneaking up on the piece of edible bark and managing to keep it as a hostage, chained to the wall.

"So why are you still here?" Larry asked Don.

"Because you borrowed my psychology book!" said Don.

"You can have it back then, and then you can go home." said Larry.

"Yeah, Maybe I will then!" Don shouted and he started tumble-rolling towards the door. "Didn't you hear what they said about my sister/brother ?(we aren't quite sure what she is) but you don't give a hairy Hufflepuff do you? Its only the Forbidden Forest, Larry _I'm-a-Real-Psychologist _Trotter doesn't care what happens to her in there. Well, I do right, giant hippogriffs and some really mental stuff-"

"I was only saying - she's with the others, they were with Hagrid -"

"Yeah, I get it, you don't give a grungy Gryffindor! And what about the rest of my family, "The Sneezleys don't need another kid injured", did you hear that?"

"Yeah, I…"

"Not bothered by what it meant though? I thought you could read minds?"

"I think you've got me confused with Edwin-Cedric Diggory-Cullen…" Larry yelled.

"Don!" Hermowninny forced her way between them "I don't think it means anything new has happened, anything we haven't heard about through the toilet paper roll tube telephone. Think about it, Bills all scarred up, George has lost an ear, and you're supposed to be deathly ill with spaghetti-itus right now. I'm sure that's all he meant-"

"Oh, you're sure are you? Right then, well I won't bother myself about them. Its all right for you two isn't it, with your parents safely out of the way-" Don yelled.

"MY PARENTS HAVE NO HEADS!" Larry yelled.

"And mine could go the same way!" Don yelled back.

"Then GO!" Larry roared like a lion. "Go back to them, pretend you've gotten over your spaghetti-itus and Mummy'll be able to feed you up and -"

Don made a sudden movement and Larry reacted. Before either could draw their wands, Hermowninny had unchained their edible bark and was trying to convince it to attack them both. It stayed immobile and Hermowninny was confused as to why it wouldn't move. She'd have to take matters into her own hands.

"Protego!" she cried, resorting to using magic. An invisible shield expanded between her and Larry, with Don on the other side. They all deliberately fell over and then got back up. Larry and Don glared at each other.

"Leave the necklace." Larry said, caring more about the pink fluffy object more than his BFFFKLLJGHFHJKL (best friend for life and a bunch of random letters).

"Fine! I'll get a purple one, and it'll be much better!" he yelled. He threw it at the Crumple-Horned Snorkack. He turned to Hermowninny.

"What are you doing?" Don asked her.

"What do you mean. I'm standing here with a wand…"

"No, I mean are you staying or what?" he said.

"I…" she looked quite happy, despite the anguish on her face. "Yes - yes, I'm staying Don, we said we'd help Larry become a Psychologist -"

"I get it… You choose him."

"Don, no - please - come back, come back!" As she went to walk out the door she accidentally started walking in the opposite direction. By the time she realised her mistake, he had already stormed into the night and started throwing rocks back at the non-existent squirrel.

Larry listened to her calling out to him, but Don dissaparated and after a few minutes she returned, sopping wet and claiming to have been mauled by a squirrel.

**So yeah, like I said - not that funny, but surely strange. Just something I felt like doing : )**

**Please please please review : )**


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